On Uncertainty

One of the questions I am most frequently asked when I meet someone new is: "How long are you planning to stay in Cambridge?"

This is a perfectly legitimate question but unfortunately it's one that I can't actually answer. The answer is: 12 months; or, two years; or, somewhere in between; or, longer. In case you plan to ask the question, this is the detailed answer:

12 months is the term of my contract with Cambridge University Press, so I have actually made a commitment to live in Cambridge until at least October 11th this year.

Two years is the length of my visa; so if I'm able to stay on at the Press longer than the term of my contract, I am entitled to stay in Cambridge until October 2014.

But this is where the uncertainty comes in. If I finish out my contract and can't continue working at the Press, there is no other publishing house in Cambridge where I can work. So I might stay on, but might look for work elsewhere - plenty of publishing work in London, or I could round out the Oxbridge experience with a few months at OUP. Or I could temp in Edinburgh. But what if I'm homesick? I could just head back to Australia.

But then - what happens in Australia? I don't know if you keep your eye on publishing positions in Sydney but there are none. So do I move back to Sydney and hope? Could I end up living in Melbourne after resisting it all these years? Will I go and teach English in Japan, in a crazy turn of events that catches even me by surprise?

And what if I do stay on at the Press and have the chance to extend my stay in the UK past my original two years?

Here's the thing: I hate uncertainty. And the worst kind of uncertainty is the kind that I can't do anything about. The problem is that I can't know what will happen this October. I can't know what will happen next October, or in between. I don't know how to be practical about my current state of affairs - whether I should put down roots or be looking forward to the next thing.

Now if you're worried that I've finally lost the plot, it's ok. Most of the time I'm just enjoying myself and not worrying about the future. But these thoughts crop up now and then and there are people back home who like to know where I am with them. The plan is, I've decided that I'm going to love being where I am right now, and I'm going to love the people in my life right now and try not to think about the Octobers until they're in view. At the moment they're just a blip on the horizon - but if a mad gleam comes into my eye when you ask me what my plans are for the future . . . It's because I've just caught a glimpse of them.